Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
