My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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