no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
