There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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