I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
