Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
