Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
