then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
