maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
