I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
