I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
