I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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