My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
