when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
