can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
