What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
