My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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