I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
