The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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