thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
