so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
