so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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