Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All the doctor said was why
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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