Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
