no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
