If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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