my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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