when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
