I skipped work to stalk him.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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