I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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