Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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