I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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