im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
