Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
