Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
