I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
