It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
