Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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