you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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