he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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