I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm both gender and math confused
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
