I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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