Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize