Soap is not a condiment
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
