I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
