I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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