cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Randomize
