Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
