tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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