I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
