saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The Olympian is in my bed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The ass gains better be worth it
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