I cut my penus on the lid.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
