I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Randomize
