The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
