I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
