it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize