when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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