I must be too annoying 4 u.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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