i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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