Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
