Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize