maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize