I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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