we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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