Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
