fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize