Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
