i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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